Porch Madness 2025 - Sweet 16

Prognosticators,

I promised myself I would meet my self-imposed deadlines this year. I really did. And yet, here I am, writing to you on the morning of the Final Four. Well, you get what you pay for, and you’re paying me diddo. Particularly true given my bracket is, metaphorically speaking, covered in poop at this point.

All this to say, please enjoy this part one of this two-part Sweet Sixteen and Elite Eight Newsletter, edited only limitedly and sure to contain grammatical errors, etc.

The Games (Sweet Sixteen)

There were three “Cinderellas” left entering the Sweet Sixteen, none of which were conventional:10-seed Arkansas (not-so-likable roster, annoying coach, likeable school), 6-seed BYU (would-be-likable roster, would-be-likable coach, problematic school, creed, faith-system, etc.), and 6-seed Ole Miss (not-so-likable roster, problematic coach, weird school name and culture, honestly at times more cultish than BYU).

Well, they all turned to pumpkins.

Calipari and the Pigs looked like they had it in the bag against Texas Tech, but much like the Shale Revolution in 2010, the petroleum engineers found a way to rally.

Ole Miss put on a great show, but ultimately Izzo and Sparty prevailed.

As for the Mormons? The magic underwear stopped working. Nate Oates and the Tide put up 114, yes, 114, on those Cougs. After St. Mary’s and BYU, only one talented-white-guy team (Duke) was left between the Tide and the Final Four.

The Picks (Sweet 16)

Gentlemen, a prophet may be among us. John Creel took the lead in our pool during the Sweet Sixteen by getting all eight games correct. This is an impressive feat, even in a year with comparatively little upsets, and the Editor commends Mr. Creel for his prognosticating abilities.

Mark “the Gauze” Gosney was just ten points behind Creel at the Sweet Sixteen’s end with 780 points. JC “Crimpy” Hunt and Davis “the Mad Hatter” Hatmaker were tied for third with 750 points.

While Creel was the only bracketeer who correctly predicted all eight Elite Eight teams, Mark, JC, Davis and Jake (who was in fourth place) all correctly predicted seven of eight Elite Eight Teams. Impressive picking boys.

Notable & Quotable

“Time to go 8/8 these next two days…” – Creel (the Oracle of Porch!)

“Need Vandy to win baaaaad” – Stink

“He’ll soon grow a horrible beard and be in many State Farm commercials” – Andy

“I would but the last couple times I had Halal I got furious diarrhea and it burned like crazy” – Conner

“Hot take, diarrrhea isn’t bad as long as you’re home for it and aren’t going anywhere soon” – Charley

“Him and me both” – Charley (on Kevin Harlan potentially ejaculating)

“Going to bed with a chubby after that one” – Creel

“ChatGPT couldn’t have effortlessly referenced Third Nephi like that.” – Mark

“It is a good thing to be queer. That text means I’m rooting for Tennessee” – Matt (promptly removed)

Potpourri

Jim Nantz’s Shitlist (last place): Jeff “the Coch!” Cochran was at the top (or bottom?) of the shitlist at the end of the Sweet Sixteen with 560 points. Jeff often picks with his heart, and he took Duke and Alabama to lose in the Sweet Sixteen in part, no doubt, because of his hatred for them. I respect it, Jeff, but it cost you here. Nonetheless, this was anyone’s ball game: Andy, Dan, Sew and Baby exited the Sweet Sixteen within 30 points of Jeff.

Battle of the Mississippi River: Tight one! West 666.7 points average, East 655 points average.

Battle of the Proletariat and Bourgeoisie (pending continued Dept. of Education funding): Not a tight one! Private School 664 points average, Public School 630 points average.

The Hunt Brothers Classic (Matt vs JC): The Elder Hunt has taken the lead. JC 750 points, Matt 670 points.

Shirts vs Skins (Ders vs Sew): Ders 620 points, Sew 590 points.

Editor’s Corner (me vs my wife): I’m making a come-back! Sarah 690, Bennet 660.

Editor’s Notes and Corrections

The previous newsletter listed Jeff in a tie for second place. It should’ve listed Stephen in a tie for second place.

TO BE CONTINUED…