Porch Madness 2025 - Round of 32

Prognosticators,

Our editor in chief was reviewing the final iotas on our draft newsletter when, lo and behold, the Red Raiders made a comeback against Arkansas…

Well, it’s not mentioned below. As I’ve noted in the headers, this newsletter purely speaks to results as of the end of Round 2. Disappointing, I know, but what can I say? This is in the tradition of a time when your pool-maker was all you had to rely on for standings updates. Anybody with an ESPN account can figure out who’s in first, Shit, ChatGPT could probably write this thing better than I could. But I digress. Let’s begin.

The Games (**Not Reflective of Subsequent Sweet 16 Results**)

Saturday evening started out with a bang as John Calipari and Arkansas defeated Rick Pitino and St. John’s in the “Somehow this is Worse for Italian American Perceptions than the Soprano’s” Bowl. If Cal survives the hit Pitino probably put on him after the game, he’ll face Texas Tech in the next round. Best of luck.

The second big upset Saturday was BYU, who bested Wisconsin in the “Holy Crap, We Might See Ten White Guys on the Court at Once” Bowl. The Stormin’ Mormons will face Nate Oates and Alabama next. Nate looks kind of Mormon, but his players also might have conspired to commit murder a few years back, which I’m pretty sure Joseph Smith did not approve of in Third Nephi.

On Sunday, fans saw three almost-awesome-upsets. Defending champ and eight seed UConn gave Florida all they could handle but were ultimately bested. In the evening, 12 seed Colorado State looked like they had pulled it off against Maryland but lost on a buzzer beater from Derik Queen (did he walk)? Finally, Conner Deck’s New Mexico Lobos put up a tremendous fight against Michigan State, but Sparty prevailed in the end. Conner, may your Lobo-blue-balls heal soon.

The Picks (**Not Reflective of Subsequent Sweet 16 Results**)

Mark “the Gauze” Gosney remained first in our pool at the end of Round 2 with 500 points. There was a five-way tie for second between Jeff, Matt, JC, Davis, and John. Defending champ Jake was in third with 450 points.

Despite the lack of early-round upsets compared to many years, Round 2 was brutal for many of our prognosticators (Yours Truly included). Jayden, Ryan, Conner, Baby, Sew, Andy, Dan and me all got seven or more games wrong in the second round. Jeff, Jayden, Conner, Hud, Baby and Andy all now have five or less Elite Eight teams left. Contrary to the trend, JC, John and Charlie left round 2 with all eight of their Elite Eight teams left.

Notable & Quotable

“1 down, now we need someone to kill Oates” - Baby

“i’m gonna miss every game today?” - Davis

“I’d give anything to hit a 3 in March madness and call someone a bitch” - Andy

“That’s one tall ghoulish fucker” - Andy

[Invesco QQQ Performance Updates] - Stephen

[Coke-addict texts about F-1] - John’s buddy Trevor

“I needed oregon to win that game so fucking bad. I got too high and bet $350 on their moneyline” – Charley

Potpourri

Jim Nantz’s Shitlist (last place): Gentlemen, we have our first ever triumvirate of poop. Baby, Sew and Dan exited round 2 with 390 points each. Don’t worry boys, I’m racing to the bottom with you, (in fact, Yours Truly may be in last depending how tonight goes).

Battle of the Mississippi River: East 437.5 points average, West 426.7 points average.

Battle of the Proletariat and Bourgeoisie (pending continued Dept. of Education funding): Private School 437.3 points average, Public School 430 points average.

The Hunt Brothers Classic (Matt vs JC): Remains dead even at 470 points.

Shirts vs Skins (Ders vs Sew): Ders 410 points, Sew 390 points.

Editor’s Corner (me vs my wife): The bracket pool she’s in does scoring differently, and I’m too tired to calculate what she’d have in here, but I know she’s kicking my butt.

With that, I wish you all best of luck in the Sweet 16.

Praying ceaselessly that Igor Milicic remembers how to play basketball before the Kentucky game, I remain faithfully yours,

Neece