Porch Madness 2025 - Rd of 64

Prognosticators,

I apologize for my missed deadline. Let’s get into it.

The Games

Gentlemen, it’s chalky out there. This year marked the first time since 2017 that all 16 one-through-four seeds advanced to the Round of 32. Many armchair forecasters and statisticians (including Yours Truly) predicted that this would lead to heavy turbulence on Friday and Saturday. But, as of the time of publication, Sweet-16-Arkansas is the biggest dose of “The Madness” we have received yet.

17 of 19 prognosticators had their full Final Four intact at the end of Round One, and 10 of 19 (JC, Jake, Davis, Creel, Ryan, Yours Truly, Charley, Hud, Baby, Dan) had their entire Elite Eight intact.

So, who led our standings? We turn to the picks.

The Picks (**Reflects Point and Standings as of the End of Round of 64**)

Mark “the Gauze” Gosney led our pool at the end of the Round of 64 with 260 points. The Gauze was followed closely by an 8-pack of 250-pointers (Matt, JC, Davis, Jake, Creel, Ryan, Zon, Baby). I won’t even publish the 240-pointers because, while technically tied for third place, we were also statistically below average.

The Gauze took the first round of play through consistent picking across the four regions, going 7-1 in the South, East and Midwest. Matt, Jake and Baby each boasted one perfectly picked region after the Round of 64 (Matt and Baby Midwest, Jake South). Then again, Matt took Louisville and Memphis to the Final Four, so we may be mentioning him in the Shitlist section before long.

Notable & Quotable

“Florida making it past the sweet 16 🤡” - Matt

“Not trying to be sexist here but yeah, that’s gotta be a woman.” - Baby

“If Mary was such a saint she wouldn’t be mounting anything” - Bob

“I don’t know shit about 95% of these teams” - Jeff

“My balls hurt so bad” - Zon

“What school ruined the Rizzlers bracket I will burn them to the fucking ground” - Matt

“Can’t send pic. Too big to fit full frame.” - Zon (regarding his balls)

Potpourri

Jim Nantz’s Shitlist (last place): Kaleb “She Johni on my Broome” Griffin with 220 points.

Battle of the Mississippi River: East 242.5 points average, West 240 points average.

Battle of the Proletariat and Bourgeoisie (pending continued Dept. of Education funding): Private School 244 points average, Public School 235 points average.

The Hunt Brothers Classic (Matt vs JC): Dead even at 250 points.

Ders vs Sew (Please Submit Rivalry Name Suggestions): Ders 240 points, Sew 230 points.

Editor’s Corner (me vs my wife, yes she still picks primarily off of team colors and “vibe,” someone please shoot me): Sarah 260 points, Bennett 240 points. She would’ve beaten me even worse but I talked her out of picking McNeese State. I’m a broken man.

With that, I leave you to this evening’s games and look forward to updating you on, Lord willing, a More Mad Round of 32.

Throwing darts at a picture of Pat Kelsey’s stupid face, I remain yours,

Neece